A letter to the soul that's been finding it hard to stay hopeful in the face of life's mabharangizha (scribbles)...
You are the grand total of wholesome yet ambitious acts of hope.
For the strategists, analysts, over-thinkers and perfectionists, the reflex action to disappointment, failure and grief is to "wish they had never embarked on that journey in the first place." They did a cost-benefit analysis and the probability of their current predicament coming to life was right before their eyes but they still went ahead and chose to operate on "benefit of the doubt."
This scars them deeply because they start to wonder who they even thought they were to undertake such. They ridicule themselves for having dared to believe otherwise; even in the slightest. They bear the shame of possibly having to carry the narrative of this pain for the rest of their lives; it begins to taint their view of self. They feel overwhelmed by the "guilt of imperfection." After all, they cannot afford to do any wrong; a generation before and after them is resting on their shoulders (so they feel).
Well my dear, with the multifocal nature of your life; there are endless sources and possibilities for "stretching" experiences. "Zvinogumbura kana kurwadza moyo hazvipere;" but you cannot create the illusion of 'shielding' yourself by placing your mind, body, heart and soul in a bubble of timidity and anxiety. You can not only operate when you have an undeniable assurance that no wire will trip because quite frankly, the "unexpected" is called just that for a reason. Even with the "expected casualties" there's no definitely telling that they will happen because "miracles" are just that for a reason.
Now, I'm not saying go about haphazardly and carelessly without awareness of potential consequences. If anything, reckon with them, but, don't forget that "life is the gift that keeps on giving. (Take this however you may).
You can pursue a career having done your due diligence on the market; and then have your skill set lose relevance due to a pandemic. You can pursue an intentional friendship with a person, date, get engaged, attend premarital counselling, get married and then bid farewell to each other after five years of marriage. You can incur a devastating business loss after ten years of successfully running it.
This is no way to imply that everything is destined for doom; not in the least. It is however to suggest that hope is a cost, not a punishment for our experiences. The pain or shame that comes with grieving an experience does not take away from the fact that you approached it with good intent. It also does not rob you of the cherished memories accumulated in the time that it was.
Sometimes there is no correlation between your gains and your losses in an experience. It's not always an "either/or'' situation. Sometimes it's an "and'' scenario. The space that caused you to experience the greatest love can also be your teacher in experiencing the greatest pain. Even so, you can not erase the beauty that is now coexisting with the ashes.
Had it worked out all the way; in the manner you had anticipated, then that would have been your gift from hope. Even now, that it has taken a turn you didn't see coming; leaving you to pivot; the cost was still hope.
And so progressive heart,cease not to hope. For in the end, you will realise that your life is a grand total of innumerable acts of wholesome yet ambitious hope.
Her Journeying heart,
Pretty Conscience