It’s one thing to experience pain in a place that you outrightly knew was not your space to occupy and function in. You can try to rationalise it by carrying the perspective that “It probably was a ticking time bomb and a matter of time before it all came crashing down, but you just had to try it.” It’s another thing to experience grief derived from a place that once offered you solace and felt like a refuge. It’s rattling as you question whether or not you heard right and allocated your belief accordingly.
As we covered in the blog post,“The Uncovering,” restarting does not mean you previously did wrong in that area of your life; but I do bet that our girls Naomi and Ruth felt like they were being punished when all hell was breaking loose in their lives. For Naomi, this loss may have been because she had sought shelter in Moab which was sworn enemies with Israel; while Ruth may have felt like marrying an Israelite who had a different religious background from hers, triggered havoc in her life.
However, they probably knew, like we do, that it wasn’t that simple. God had sustained them for years prior to their current predicament, and so He clearly cared about them. Nevertheless, their trauma was real and they had to mourn. It turned into a series of losses as Naomi and Ruth ultimately separated from Orpah and Ruth left her friends and family in Moab for a foreign land, Bethlehem. Their love no-longer had a place to go and that was their grief.
Have you ever cried so much that you literally feel yourself running out of breath and gasping for air? Your heart feels like its caving in and you’re holding onto the hem of the Lord’s garment for your next breath. That’s how I imagine the wailing of the ladies as mentioned in Ruth 1 vs 14(NIV) where they are said to have “wept again.” This back to back mourning has me assuming that Ruth proceeded on her journey with Naomi taking it one breath at a time as Jordan Sparks would have put it. She probably had just enough in her tank to get through this trip and if there was anything left in the reserve, she was going to use it to assimilate into the new environment.
Well, Ruth 2 clearly shows us that that’s not what happened. Life basically asked Sis to give CPR (Cardiopulmonary resuscitation~ a lifesaving technique) to another person when she was wheezing her way through it. You’re probably appalled by life’s audacity as I am, but intrigued as well by the fact that Ruth did it. Ruth 2 vs 2 (NIV) reads, “And Ruth the Moabitess said to Naomi, “Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain behind anyone in whose eyes I find favour.” She basically offered herself to serve in the midst of her grief. Now while I am a big advocate of nurturing the tree that gives shade to others, I also understand the frame of mind carried by Ruth. All she had were pieces and she needed to utilise them well so as to operate in her purpose, despite the pain. Naomi, as a mother in-law, had always been Ruth’s responsibility and in Bethlehem, Ruth was taking initiative to find pockets of joy for them both. She had no concrete game plan and her wounds were probably still sore but serving through it helped her to mourn forward.
I do not see glorified strength in Ruth. What I do see is her humanity colliding with God’s supernatural power to give her strength in her weakness. We do not get information about Ruth on her way to the fields nor Ruth when she tucked herself into bed. This then means for me that she could have been sobbing on her way, stopped in contemplation on whether she should be pursuing this, or let out a deep scream of frustration from the core of her belly. At night, she could have drenched her pillow with tears as she cried herself to sleep. In this case, I have chosen to fill in the blank spaces with this narrative so as to remove the imaginary cape of perfection and actually humanise and familiarise with how she carried this cross.
This takes me to a place of peace with self as I am brought to the understanding that I am not crazy for existing in the intersection of grief and service; and neither are you. I am certain you may have experienced an opportunity to serve someone else in the midst of your pain and Ruth leads the support group for us. It doesn’t make your grieving process weird nor does it invalidate any emotions you may have been feeling prior to, or you may feel after (from triggers). It just means you’re living in the tension of pain and purpose and grieving with hope.
And so progressive heart, may you remember that:
Grief is not linear. There are multiple aspects to this concept and some may feel contradictory to each other.
Grief can be debilitating, but it does not wipe your ability to operate in purpose, from the face of the earth.
There is an intersection between grief and service. You can experience heavy heartedness in the morning and feel light enough to cook a family meal in the evening. Embrace the pockets of joy without trying to have it all match up at the same time.
Sometimes you’ll need your community to encourage you to serve in what feels like the lowest point of your life. In Ruth 2 vs 2 (NIV), Naomi cheers Ruth on by saying, “Go ahead my daughter.” By saying that, she affirmed her that she believed in her ability to not only go out and survive; but thrive. Your people may need to go with you to that first practice after injury or pack you a lunchbox on your first day at school or work after that embarrassment. Point is, encouragement goes a long way.
Crooked sticks draw straight lines too~Lecrae (Cry for you)
May you give yourself grace to grieve and receive strength to serve in what may feel like a valley. It sure is dark, but that's where the grass grows.
Her transitioning soul,
Pretty Conscience
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